I learned so many valuable lessons this year. My heart has grown stronger and my mind has expanded.
I’ve learned that sometimes people change yet the memory we have of them when times were better will remain far after. We neglect all of the signs, all of the new awkward moments, the phone calls he never cared to answer, the text messages he no longer bothered to send, and the tears that were shed. You should never feel guilty for “bothering” someone with a phone call just because you want to hear their voice for five minutes. My love for him was so strong to the point where I no longer cared that he wasn’t always making time for me. I filled my mind with all of the laughs we had and good times, that I was forgetting how long it was since we actually went on a date. Again, my brain was full aware of all of the signs, but my heart was not prepared.
No matter how much you want something, if it is not meant to be, it will end. Being together for over five years, left a mark on my heart forever. I did not realize how permanent the loss of someone who is still living can be. I love this quote I found,
“You were a beautiful time in my life, and if that’s all you’ll ever be then that’s okay. Not all art is destined to hang on the same walls forever.” – K. Town Jr.
After the breakup, I felt my world crashing down. I felt stuck, alone, and so much sadness everyday. I’d go to sleep with tears in my eyes only to awake and realize it was true that he left and the tears would begin again. There were times where I would look in the mirror and just begin to burst out in tears. I didn’t like what I saw. I didn’t recognize the face. I didn’t know who I was without him by my side. I spent so much time retracing my steps, reviewing our conversations, replaying that day. I tried to figure out when things went wrong so I could understand when I lost him. I felt ugly, unworthy, and felt as though I was not good enough for anything or for anyone. I tore myself a part and reminded myself of my long list of insecurities. I felt so useless that I could not even enjoy my time away from responsibilities. I filled my mind with so much self-doubt. I regret how hard I was on myself.
During the breakup last summer, I was asked to be hired for two different job positions. Both were unrelated to my future career yet I was feeling some pressure to just agree and say yes. Instead, I gathered the courage to decline both. Was it the best idea at the time? Who knows? I think it was the best decision for me, because I allowed myself to make the decision. Often, I’m the one always saying yes. Yes, to helping others in any and all ways. But this time, I knew I would not enjoy the job and I knew it was not what I wanted. If it will not bring you happiness then don’t force something upon yourself. I’ve learned it is okay to say no in order to say yes to much needed personal time.
It took time, but I finally ended up where I wanted to be and exactly where I needed to be: working in a hospital. I learned to keep pushing for what you truly want, even if some people tell you it’s unrealistic. I’m blessed to have a job that works around my school schedule.
Most importantly, I’ve learned that I am enough, I have always been enough, and I will continue to always be enough. Thanks to reading poetry, writing journal entries, and praying to God, I was able to remember who I was. My personal mantra I have created is, “A strong mind and a brave soul cannot be stopped.” The year that I felt as though my life was crumbling to the ground for multiple reasons besides being relationshipless, ended up being the year I built myself up.
Just recently, I was able to finish another semester of school on the Dean’s List! In the middle of this semester, I was given the opportunity to travel to California for a professional conference. I was talking myself out of the trip since honestly I did not think it would work out. Attending the conference would mean missing a class and having to makeup an exam. I felt as though my course was more important than this experience. I was wrong, this experience was important. I never missed a day of class in college so that is why I was so apprehensive at first. Afterwards, I learned that it is perfectly okay to contact your professor and reschedule an exam time for a once in a lifetime trip. California was a life changing trip from being on a plane for the first time to seeing the ocean for the first time. I am beyond thankful for the experience.
Overall, I have learned that everything is temporary. Sorrow is temporary. Pain is temporary. True love can be temporary. I’ve changed because life keeps changing. Listen to yourself. Understand what you deserve in life & take risks to get yourself there. Be in-charge of your own life. There is so much more to life than your current situation. What I learned is that when someone walks out of your life, the universe does not stop to comfort you. Life keeps moving forward whether you are ready for it or not. Forward is the only way to go.
I’m looking forward to entering 2018 with a new state of mind: a happy state of mind.