What I Learned This Year

What I Learned This Year

2017

I learned so many valuable lessons this year. My heart has grown stronger and my mind has expanded.

I’ve learned that sometimes people change yet the memory we have of them when times were better will remain far after. We neglect all of the signs, all of the new awkward moments, the phone calls he never cared to answer, the text messages he no longer bothered to send, and the tears that were shed. You should never feel guilty for “bothering” someone with a phone call just because you want to hear their voice for five minutes. My love for him was so strong to the point where I no longer cared that he wasn’t always making time for me. I filled my mind with all of the laughs we had and good times, that I was forgetting how long it was since we actually went on a date. Again, my brain was full aware of all of the signs, but my heart was not prepared.

No matter how much you want something, if it is not meant to be, it will end. Being together for over five years, left a mark on my heart forever. I did not realize how permanent the loss of someone who is still living can be. I love this quote I found,

“You were a beautiful time in my life, and if that’s all you’ll ever be then that’s okay. Not all art is destined to hang on the same walls forever.” – K. Town Jr.

After the breakup, I felt my world crashing down. I felt stuck, alone, and so much sadness everyday. I’d go to sleep with tears in my eyes only to awake and realize it was true that he left and the tears would begin again. There were times where I would look in the mirror and just begin to burst out in tears. I didn’t like what I saw. I didn’t recognize the face. I didn’t know who I was without him by my side.  I spent so much time retracing my steps, reviewing our conversations, replaying that day. I tried to figure out when things went wrong so I could understand when I lost him. I felt ugly, unworthy, and felt as though I was not good enough for anything or for anyone. I tore myself a part and reminded myself of my long list of insecurities. I felt so useless that I could not even enjoy my time away from responsibilities. I filled my mind with so much self-doubt. I regret how hard I was on myself.

During the breakup last summer, I was asked to be hired for two different job positions. Both were unrelated to my future career yet I was feeling some pressure to just agree and say yes. Instead, I gathered the courage to decline both. Was it the best idea at the time? Who knows? I think it was the best decision for me, because I allowed myself to make the decision. Often, I’m the one always saying yes. Yes, to helping others in any and all ways. But this time, I knew I would not enjoy the job and I knew it was not what I wanted. If it will not bring you happiness then don’t force something upon yourself. I’ve learned it is okay to say no in order to say yes to much needed personal time.

It took time, but I finally ended up where I wanted to be and exactly where I needed to be: working in a hospital. I learned to keep pushing for what you truly want, even if some people tell you it’s unrealistic. I’m blessed to have a job that works around my school schedule.

Most importantly, I’ve learned that I am enough, I have always been enough, and I will continue to always be enough. Thanks to reading poetry, writing journal entries, and praying to God, I was able to remember who I was. My personal mantra I have created is, “A strong mind and a brave soul cannot be stopped.” The year that I felt as though my life was crumbling to the ground for multiple reasons besides being relationshipless, ended up being the year I built myself up.

Just recently, I was able to finish another semester of school on the Dean’s List! In the middle of this semester, I was given the opportunity to travel to California for a professional conference. I was talking myself out of the trip since honestly I did not think it would work out. Attending the conference would mean missing a class and having to makeup an exam. I felt as though my course was more important than this experience. I was wrong, this experience was important. I never missed a day of class in college so that is why I was so apprehensive at first. Afterwards, I learned that it is perfectly okay to contact your professor and reschedule an exam time for a once in a lifetime trip. California was a life changing trip from being on a plane for the first time to seeing the ocean for the first time. I am beyond thankful for the experience.

Overall, I have learned that everything is temporary. Sorrow is temporary. Pain is temporary. True love can be temporary. I’ve changed because life keeps changing. Listen to yourself. Understand what you deserve in life & take risks to get yourself there. Be in-charge of your own life. There is so much more to life than your current situation. What I learned is that when someone walks out of your life, the universe does not stop to comfort you. Life keeps moving forward whether you are ready for it or not. Forward is the only way to go. 

I’m looking forward to entering 2018 with a new state of mind: a happy state of mind.

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The Dream

You were in my dream last night. I was fighting to get you back. I wanted to know exactly why you left me. Maybe I could change. Maybe you’d come back because you forgot that you did miss me after all. It didn’t work in my dream. I had already lost you. 

Goodbye 2016

Goodbye 2016

2016 was the year I completed my first year of college. I ran my first 5k. I had my first photograph published in a college level literature magazine. This passed year, a photograph of mine hung in streets of my hometown. I wore scrubs for the first time. I completed my first Clinical rotation. I started eating sushi. I finally went to the art museum I always wanted to go to. I experienced a lot of “firsts” and I hope to do the same in 2017.

Nightly Thoughts 

Nightly Thoughts 

We have to remind ourselves that somethings don’t happen overnight. That change isn’t always clear the next day. That love is a gift. That we can ignore others when needed. That pain isn’t always obvious. That being indecisive only takes you so far. That life is limited. We have to remind ourselves that we are incharge of our own lives. 

Living Life 

Over the busy summer, I overheard a worried older adult state, “I have more years behind me than ahead of me.” The individual wasn’t fond of birthdays anymore nor the aging process.

Being the young adult that I am, I am looking forward to the years where I will be twice the age I am now. Sometimes I wish the years would go by even faster so I can finally find myself being a respectable adult in society with a meaningful career. Hearing this older individual remeniss on their past and also wishing there was more to look forward to, really opened my eyes.  How lucky am I to be at an age that will be memorable for my entire life as I explore more of what life has to offer?

Although I’m thankful for the years ahead of me, I felt more remorse while hearing this individual’s voice go on. Yes, the years go by fast and yes, it turns out we are very unlikely that we actually travel to all those places we’ve picked out in our heads. But what we can and always can do is not take today for granted. 

We wish we had more time, more opportunities, and more experiences than what we actually may encounter. That’s called being human, always wanting more and more of everything. 

Every single day brings meaning and purpose, some more obvious than others. So before you start telling yourself that you have more days behind you than ahead of you, here are somethings to think about. Please do not be ashamed of losing a grib on the years and allowing them to sometimes rush along with the wind, because years don’t make life long and fulfilling, your perception of life and attitude are what make all the difference. 

Dear Blemishes 

The blemishes won’t go away. 

I find them on my face, wanting to stay.

A blemish is known for “spoiling the appearance of something.”

Am I being spoiled? Rotting away? 

Tired of different pills. The morning cream. The nightly topical lotion. Blood tests.

The breakout ended, but the scars remain. Becoming darker and permanent. 

Months go by, why haven’t they left? 

They say to me, “you’re getting better….you’re skin is clearing…..you’ll end it…. you’ll be beautiful soon enough…”

Coated in foundation, no blemishes appear. A smooth even tone. 

Fooling the others, but not fooling myself. Hiding behind coverup, since the scars won’t go. 

Teaching me patience, telling me beauty is within. 

I’ve learned my lesson. Please go your separate way. 

For Her

For Her

The younger we are, the more we believe in ourselves.  With age comes knowledge, knowledge of our limits.

When I was five years old, I jumped off the swing-set and broke my arm.  Obviously, I wasn’t thinking clearly at the time. Earlier that day, I saw my older brother jump off the swing-set and I thought I would be capable of completing the daredevil act myself.  I was not considering that I was only a small five year old girl. The thoughts that filled my head were those of wanting to have fun and to do anything someone else could do.  I’m not saying that we should go out and be copycats of each other, but what I am saying is that when deciding to act on something we should never have to consider our size, age, or sex anyhow.

Never hold yourself back. Push yourself until you reach your limits. I met my limits at age five as I landed painfully onto my right arm (lol). I learned that I’m not as invincible as I may have thought I was, but I am capable of freely taking the next step once I tell myself I can. Lately, I have been thinking of five year old me, who believed in endless possibilities for my future. The girl who wanted to place a worm on her fishing hook by herself, who would dig up insects and call them pets, and who tried tricks on her bicycle until she was left with bloody knees. That girl wasn’t afraid of anything except for the dark. She made decisions with the idea of, “if I think I can, then I can and I will”.

Today, I challenge myself to revert back to the same simple concept. Telling myself I can. Instead of thoughtlessly climbing up the swing-set only to jump off, I will be climbing towards by goals and jumping into my future. The five year old me is telling me I can pursue my goals, and for her, I will.